Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Lines for the Day After Elections (II)


Half against him, half were for him;
Half revile him, half adore him.
How you view the whole event,
Depends which half you represent.
Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Dirty Quandary


NEWSWIRE--A former anchorman’s lawsuit claims his contract was not renewed because he complained about unsanitary conditions at a TV station.

I’m now allergic to the evening news;
I need more Kleenex,
Tissue I can use.
My sinuses began to ooze, it’s a dirty quandary.

All that pancake from Max Factor, I would pat and smear,
‘Til the pictures that we took would
Make my skin look clear;
Infection now is in my ear, it’s a dirty quandary.

I thought that cleaning up with bleach might help me breathe at Five;
They suggested epinephrine,
With a shot in the thigh.
My eye has now revealed a sty, it’s a dirty quandary.

It’s a filthy operation, made me sneeze and sweat;
All the noses in the newsroom
Had been running wet.
Dust bunnies now rule the set, it’s a dirty quandary.

Dirty little secrets, dirty little lies,
Dirty little boxes,
When they said my goodbyes.
Did snitching hasten my demise? It’s a dirty quandary.

On the couch with my Nintendo, hope my suit might sting;
At it reaches a crescendo,
There’s new dirt to sling:
Just the sort of crap that’s king, it’s a dirty quandary.
Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Chow Main


NEWSWIRE -- Urban search and rescue dogs are valued after disasters like hurricane Irene because they can search a city block in under an hour -- something that would take a human team all day.

Dogs are great,
Dogs are good.
Start their days with bowls of food.
By our hands
They must be fed:
Thumbs are gone, the way they bred.
Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Monday, August 15, 2011

Pants Suit


NEWSWIRE--The government-seized clothing of a convicted Ponzi schemer has been repurposed as fabric for iPad covers.

As financial scandal lingers,
Through the countless courtroom dockets,
Comes a way to put our fingers
Into Bernie Madoff’s pockets.
Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Tel Aviv Two-Step


NEWSWIRE -- Former Vice-Presidential candidate Sarah Palin was photographed in Israel wearing a Jewish religious symbol on her necklace.

Daughter’s tango, mambo, samba,
Failed her as a TV favorite;
For which, mom just blamed Obama,
Dancing with the Star of David.
Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Stork Reality


NEWSWIRE--A Tennessee woman sent her seven-year-old adopted son on a one-way flight to Russia, saying she was returning him because he had psychological problems.

Upon delivery, parents learn
They've reached the point of no return.
Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Monday, March 8, 2010

Hedging Your Bets


NEWSWIRE--A woman crashed her car while shaving her bikini area.

Looking like a bad toupee?
Chuck your keys and check the weather:
Hell should have its coldest day
Before you drive while grooming nether.
Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Friday, February 26, 2010

I Fought the Bra


NEWSWIRE--A woman's silicone implants stopped a bullet when she was shot at close range with an assault rifle.

The shooter was shocked when his bullet was blocked
By a feature he couldn't have guessed:
His target's physician had made an addition
Enhanced by a bullet-proof breast.

Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Friday, February 5, 2010

Wash Hands Before Leaving


NEWSWIRE--A Toronto restaurant encourages patrons to "hook up" in its bathroom.

I'm puzzled by what to record in my journal
About our encounter last night at the urinal:
Whether porcelain skin warrants opus or ode
Or merely describes how they made the commode.
Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Friday, January 29, 2010

In a Pig's Eye


NEWSWIRE--Argentine president Cristina Fernandez says a better sex life comes from eating more pork.

If products porcine crack the code
For passion to awaken,
Then I'll need help to lug the load
When I bring home the bacon.
Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Closed Door Hearing


NEWSWIRE--(Headline in NY Post) Q-Tip Heiress Casey Johnson Dead at 30.

Since cotton tip swabbing has proved to be vital
For wax buildup sufferers to hear us,
Then shouldn't that betterment alter a title
And make one not heiress, but earess?
Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Friday, November 13, 2009

Sight For Sore Eyes


NEWSWIRE--A new study shows cataract surgery does not promote age-related eye disease.

My optometrist succeeded,
Though wearing glasses, I had fought,
When Preparation H, I needed,
But Compound W, I got.
Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Sinus Up


NEWSWIRE--Florida police officers say they failed to collect a bag of cocaine from a hotel room dresser after a training exercise for drug-sniffing dogs.

"The drugs have gone missing,"
One lawman reported.
"I bet we don't find them,"
Another one snorted.
Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Friday, October 9, 2009

Hip Replacement


NEWSWIRE--After just nine months in office, President Barack Obama has been awarded the Nobel Peace Prize.

While with feet barely wet
And new billions in debt
And accomplishments so few might trouble you,
The group with the prize
Said their choice, a surprise,
Boiled down to one fact: he's not W.
Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Somebody Bit on the Bay


NEWSWIRE--South Florida is seeing a jump in the horse meat market, both legal, via butchers and restaurants, and illegal, through animals stolen and slaughtered.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Horses down south
Are made into stew.

Violets are blue,
Roses are red,
The bifteck du jour
Might be Mister Ed.
Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Mr. Ed

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Bread Machine


NEWSWIRE--Sarah Palin's new book "Going Rogue" became the #1 best seller at Amazon and Barnes and Noble just two days after it was announced.

That vocal tics, which some despise,
Have won her fans' complete affection,
Is proof that someone's polls can rise
From speaking with a yeast inflection.
Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Monday, September 28, 2009

Second Harvest


NEWSWIRE--To celebrate national coffee day, one shop is serving $20 per cup coffee, made from coffee beans found in animal droppings.

Though you're eager to brew
Beans that I might eschew,
I pray you'll still scorn
Hunting peanuts and corn.
Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Brash Tax


NEWSWIRE--Holding a yard sale could put you afoul of a new federal law which governs the sale of dangerous products. Penalties can reach $100,000.

I pay all my tolls and tariffs
On new goods, with check in hand.
Seeking more, the taxing sheriffs
Want their piece of secondhand.
Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Burnt Sienna Memories


NEWSWIRE--The first vaccine for H1N1 in the U.S. will be administered in a nasal spray.

As I'm dosed from a hose
That gets jammed up my nose
So a virus has something to prey on,

I remember the fact
That the last item packed
In a similar way, was a crayon.
Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Morning Has Broken


NEWSWIRE--Top sleep researchers say humans sleep better without their spouses' company.

My day to sleep in was about to begin,
But it came to a sudden and bleak end;
My time on the dead side, cut short from the bedside,
When my wife's alarm rang on the weekend.
Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Thursday, September 17, 2009

One if Bifocal, Two if Bicuspid


NEWSWIRE--A blind woman has regained her sight after surgeons implanted one of her teeth in her eye as a base for a lens.

This pairing of the mouth and eye
Could benefit each day,
If I might make their link apply
To watching what I say.
Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Silicone Valley


NEWSWIRE--A new surgical breast-enlargement technique uses for a breast-implant, the patient's own excess fat.

To bulge her blouse and stretch her sweaters
An inch or two in double-letters,
The resource they'll employ is fitting:
That treasure trove on which she's sitting.
Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Roost Beef


NEWSWIRE--One of the largest freshman college classes in U.S. history is taking part in traditional fall "move-in" rites.

We're saddened, weepy and depressed,
While daughter wants to jump and whoop.
We dread the pending empty nest;
She's joyous, having flown the coop.

Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Void Where Prohibited


NEWSWIRE--A campaign in Brazil hopes to help the rain forest by reducing toilet flushes. The "Go Green: Go in the shower" effort encourages an additional function for shower water.

The plumber polished his techniques,
To unclog, weld or snake one,
As shower drains where he'd fixed leaks
Were now the place to take one.
Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Flesh Wound


NEWSWIRE--The Town Manager of Fort Myers Beach, Florida was fired after Town Council members learned his wife was a porn star.

His board sees no wrongs
In bikinis and thongs,
And, at Spring Break, they all know what goes on.
But the job he'd secured in
This town, strangely puritan,
Was revoked for a wife with no clothes on.
Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Friday, July 17, 2009

Purple Vow


NEWSWIRE--After one pet hippo, which escaped a Columbian drug lord's ranch, was hunted and killed, a court has ordered a second hippo spared.

I've never seen a hippo pet;
To death, the state decreed one.
But I can say, without regret,
I'd rather be the freed one.
Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Empty Channel


NEWSWIRE--Patients undergoing colonoscopy are now given sixteen days worth of laxative on the day before their procedure.

When Wheel of Fortune's on TV,
I give a groan; my stomach growls.
I loathe Pat Sajak as emcee,
And Vanna White just moves her vowels.
Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Monday, June 15, 2009

He's Got Yours Babe


NEWSWIRE--Chastity Bono, daughter of Sonny and Cher, has announced that she'll undergo a sex change operation.

With her girl's intuition, she took the position
That men had an unfair dominion.
So her team of physicians will craft an addition
To give her a second opinion.
Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Law of the Land


NEWSWIRE--Disaster officials fear that scores of empty, foreclosed-upon houses might become hazards during a hurricane.

The boom and bust in Sunbelt spots
Provides a lesson worth espousing:
It's how so many vacant lots
Turned into so much vacant housing.
Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Under the Big Stent


NEWSWIRE--Virginia officials have filed a lawsuit against Krispy Kreme doughnuts for grease damage to a sewer system.

Both heart doctors and engineers,
Have tried to warn us through the years
Of blockages they knew were coming
As all those doughnuts clog our plumbing.
Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Friday, May 29, 2009

Twice Shy


NEWSWIRE--An instructor at the Connecticut Police Academy was arrested for biting a co-worker who had said, "Bite me."

Her choice of phrase could be mistook,
And proved to be the final straw
As someone took it by the book
And bit the wrong arm of the law.
Light verse, ripped from the headlines