Wash Hands Before Leaving

WASH HANDS BEFORE LEAVING

NEWSWIRE--A Toronto restaurant encourages patrons to "hook up" in its bathroom.

I'm puzzled by what to record in my journal
About our encounter last night at the urinal:
Whether porcelain skin warrants opus or ode
Or merely describes how they made the commode.

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Light verse, ripped from the headlines

In a Pig's Eye

IN A PIG'S EYE

NEWSWIRE--Argentine president Cristina Fernandez says a better sex life comes from eating more pork.

If products porcine crack the code
For passion to awaken,
Then I'll need help to lug the load
When I bring home the bacon.

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Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Closed Door Hearing

CLOSED DOOR HEARING

NEWSWIRE--(Headline in NY Post) Q-Tip Heiress Casey Johnson Dead at 30.

Since cotton tip swabbing has proved to be vital
For wax buildup sufferers to hear us,
Then shouldn't that betterment alter a title
And make one not heiress, but earess?

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Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Sight For Sore Eyes

SIGHT FOR SORE EYES

NEWSWIRE--A new study shows cataract surgery does not promote age-related eye disease.

My optometrist succeeded,
Though wearing glasses, I had fought,
When Preparation H, I needed,
But Compound W, I got.

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Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Sinus Up

SINUS UP

NEWSWIRE--Florida police officers say they failed to collect a bag of cocaine from a hotel room dresser after a training exercise for drug-sniffing dogs.

"The drugs have gone missing,"
One lawman reported.
"I bet we don't find them,"
Another one snorted.

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Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Hip Replacement

HIP REPLACEMENT

NEWSWIRE--After just nine months in office, President Barack Obama has been awarded the Nobel Peace Prize.

While with feet barely wet
And new billions in debt
And accomplishments so few might trouble you,
The group with the prize
Said their choice, a surprise,
Boiled down to one fact: he's not W.

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Somebody Bit on the Bay

SOMEBODY BIT ON THE BAY

NEWSWIRE--South Florida is seeing a jump in the horse meat market, both legal, via butchers and restaurants, and illegal, through animals stolen and slaughtered.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Horses down south
Are made into stew.

Violets are blue,
Roses are red,
The bifteck du jour
Might be Mister Ed.

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Mr. Ed

Bread Machine

BREAD MACHINE

NEWSWIRE--Sarah Palin's new book "Going Rogue" became the #1 best seller at Amazon and Barnes and Noble just two days after it was announced.

That vocal tics, which some despise,
Have won her fans' complete affection,
Is proof that someone's polls can rise
From speaking with a yeast inflection.

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Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Second Harvest

SECOND HARVEST

NEWSWIRE--To celebrate national coffee day, one shop is serving $20 per cup coffee, made from coffee beans found in animal droppings.

Though you're eager to brew
Beans that I might eschew,
I pray you'll still scorn
Hunting peanuts and corn.

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Brash Tax

BRASH TAX

NEWSWIRE--Holding a yard sale could put you afoul of a new federal law which governs the sale of dangerous products. Penalties can reach $100,000.

I pay all my tolls and tariffs
On new goods, with check in hand.
Seeking more, the taxing sheriffs
Want their piece of secondhand.

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Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Burnt Sienna Memories

BURNT SIENNA MEMORIES

NEWSWIRE--The first vaccine for H1N1 in the U.S. will be administered in a nasal spray.

As I'm dosed from a hose
That gets jammed up my nose
So a virus has something to prey on,

I remember the fact
That the last item packed
In a similar way, was a crayon.

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Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Morning Has Broken

MORNING HAS BROKEN

NEWSWIRE--Top sleep researchers say humans sleep better without their spouses' company.

My day to sleep in was about to begin,
But it came to a sudden and bleak end;
My time on the dead side, cut short from the bedside,
When my wife's alarm rang on the weekend.

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One if Bifocal, Two if Bicuspid

ONE IF BIFOCAL, TWO IF BICUSPID

NEWSWIRE--A blind woman has regained her sight after surgeons implanted one of her teeth in her eye as a base for a lens.

This pairing of the mouth and eye
Could benefit each day,
If I might make their link apply
To watching what I say.

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Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Silicone Valley

SILICONE VALLEY

NEWSWIRE--A new surgical breast-enlargement technique uses for a breast-implant, the patient's own excess fat.

To bulge her blouse and stretch her sweaters
An inch or two in double-letters,
The resource they'll employ is fitting:
That treasure trove on which she's sitting.

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Roost Beef

ROOST BEEF

NEWSWIRE--One of the largest freshman college classes in U.S. history is taking part in traditional fall "move-in" rites.

We're saddened, weepy and depressed,
While daughter wants to jump and whoop.
We dread the pending empty nest;
She's joyous, having flown the coop.

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Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Void Where Prohibited

VOID WHERE PROHIBITED

NEWSWIRE--A campaign in Brazil hopes to help the rain forest by reducing toilet flushes. The "Go Green: Go in the shower" effort encourages an additional function for shower water.

The plumber polished his techniques,
To unclog, weld or snake one,
As shower drains where he'd fixed leaks
Were now the place to take one.

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Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Flesh Wound

FLESH WOUND

NEWSWIRE--The Town Manager of Fort Myers Beach, Florida was fired after Town Council members learned his wife was a porn star.

His board sees no wrongs
In bikinis and thongs,
And, at Spring Break, they all know what goes on.
But the job he'd secured in
This town, strangely puritan,
Was revoked for a wife with no clothes on.

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Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Purple Vow

PURPLE VOW

NEWSWIRE--After one pet hippo, which escaped a Columbian drug lord's ranch, was hunted and killed, a court has ordered a second hippo spared.

I've never seen a hippo pet;
To death, the state decreed one.
But I can say, without regret,
I'd rather be the freed one.

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Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Empty Channel

EMPTY CHANNEL

NEWSWIRE--Patients undergoing colonoscopy are now given sixteen days worth of laxative on the day before their procedure.

When Wheel of Fortune's on TV,
I give a groan; my stomach growls.
I loathe Pat Sajak as emcee,
And Vanna White just moves her vowels.

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Light verse, ripped from the headlines

He's Got Yours Babe

HE'S GOT YOURS BABE

NEWSWIRE--Chastity Bono, daughter of Sonny and Cher, has announced that she'll undergo a sex change operation.

With her girl's intuition, she took the position
That men had an unfair dominion.
So her team of physicians will craft an addition
To give her a second opinion.

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Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Law of the Land

LAW OF THE LAND

NEWSWIRE--Disaster officials fear that scores of empty, foreclosed-upon houses might become hazards during a hurricane.

The boom and bust in Sunbelt spots
Provides a lesson worth espousing:
It's how so many vacant lots
Turned into so much vacant housing.

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Under the Big Stent

UNDER THE BIG STENT

NEWSWIRE--Virginia officials have filed a lawsuit against Krispy Kreme doughnuts for grease damage to a sewer system.

Both heart doctors and engineers,
Have tried to warn us through the years
Of blockages they knew were coming
As all those doughnuts clog our plumbing.

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Twice Shy

TWICE SHY

NEWSWIRE--An instructor at the Connecticut Police Academy was arrested for biting a co-worker who had said, "Bite me."

Her choice of phrase could be mistook,
And proved to be the final straw
As someone took it by the book
And bit the wrong arm of the law.

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Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Roses are Red, Toilets are Blew

ROSES ARE RED, TOILETS ARE BLEW

NEWSWIRE--A man severely burned his behind when he exploded a portable toilet by lighting a match to find toilet paper.

He was holding his nose
As his searching began,
Which soon came to a close
With a flash in the can.

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Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Prisoner of Love

PRISONER OF LOVE

NEWSWIRE--A female deputy in Florida was fired after a romance with a male inmate.

If bad-boy dates are in your stars,
But your job is to confine them,
You ought to pick up men in bars,
Instead of one behind them.

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Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Fountain of Youth

FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH

NEWSWIRE--Two U.S. Park Service employees are accused of urinating into a geyser.

They had to get them off the trail
And send them to the cellar,
For mixing up Old Faithful's tale
With their take on Old Yeller.

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Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Two More Make Twelve

TWO MORE MAKE TWELVE

NEWSWIRE--Rumors of infidelity plague both adult stars of the reality TV series, Jon and Kate Plus Eight.

Publicity was quid pro quo
For what they'd come to procreate,
But might spinoff a whole new show
If Jon and Kate adulturate.

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Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Garden of Eatin'

GARDEN OF EATIN'

NEWSWIRE--The Roman Catholic church is developing a position on genetically modified crops.

The Vatican will codify
The vegetables to modify
Lest Holy Mass begin one day:
Peas be with you; lettuce pray.

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The Supremes

THE SUPREMES

NEWSWIRE--President Obama is seeking a replacement for retiring Supreme Court Justice David Souter.

If the next one sang the constitution,
Added turn of phrase to pull and thrust us,
Mixed rhyme and meter with some elocution,
We'd have our first poetic justice.

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Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Goodnight Boone

GOODNIGHT BOONE

NEWSWIRE--A Florida man has been arrested for shooting and killing a wild bear.

Kev'n Doerr shot a b'ar.
Have I not heard this tale bef'ar?

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Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Volt for Me

VOLT FOR ME

NEWSWIRE--A man was arrested for putting an electric dog collar on each of his four children and shocking them with it.

To keep his kids off legal dockets
And out of the electric chairs,
He hooks them all to cords and sockets
To shed some light on current affairs.

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Light verse, ripped from the headlines

When Life Hands You Le Mans

WHEN LIFE HANDS YOU LE MANS

NEWSWIRE--A bankruptcy judge has approved Chrysler's use of $4.5 billion in U.S. Government loans.

A Bailout went to troubled banks;
Insurers, Rescued, give their thanks.
Now, carmakers, with billions paid
Will see the fruits of Lemon Aid.

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Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Pontiac Le Mans