Thursday, December 4, 2008

John Doe vs. John Deer

JOHN DOE VS. JOHN DEER

NEWSWIRE--A wounded deer attacked the hunter who shot him.

I never will get past my fear
Of weekend trips for hunting deer.
It's not the shooting I find menace in;
I draw the line at wrestling venison.

www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Hot Seat

HOT SEAT

NEWSWIRE--A new genetic test indicates which sport a child was born to play.


Some hope of teams or floor routines
Or fields where they'll perform;
My folks, instead, gave me the genes
That keep the benches warm.

www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Mutual Aromaha

MUTUAL AROMAHA

NEWSWIRE--A Detroit woman's lawsuit will proceed, alleging a co-worker's perfume made it difficult for her to breathe and impossible to do her job.

Most workplace fragrance needs no quarrel;
That's just stuff and nonsense.
But hope when labels warn of floral,
There's more off than on scents.

www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Monday, December 1, 2008

A Sale of Two Pretties

A SALE OF TWO PRETTIES

NEWSWIRE--In these tough economic times, the number of egg donors and surrogate mothers is up by 30 percent.

The times were best, the times were worst;
She soon would have to beg
For help in choosing which goes first:
Her Dickens or an egg.

www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Friday, November 28, 2008

Leftover the River and Through the Woods

LEFTOVER THE RIVER AND THROUGH THE WOODS

A weekend's worth of Thursday's food
Would seem to some too quirky,
So after my Thanksgiving mood,
I'm giving up, cold turkey.

www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Breaking News

BREAKING NEWS

NEWSWIRE--A 13-year-old Florida student was arrested for flatulence in class.

The audible breeze and the cut of the cheese
Left the student ashamed and chagrined.
Yet the teacher harassed for the gas that was passed
While they studied "Inherit the Wind."

www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Headquarters to Hindquarters

HEADQUARTERS TO HINDQUARTERS

NEWSWIRE
--Canada's Supreme Court has ruled that obese passengers must be given a free, extra airline seat.

The orders went to airborne fleets
To find more space among their seats,
Providing those of large physique
Some room to turn the other cheek.

www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Monday, November 24, 2008

Sweeter Than Whine

SWEETER THAN WHINE

NEWSWIRE
--Policies to rid schools of sugary drinks have had little effect on students' intake of them.

As you teach your son or daughter
Health and sodas have a link,
You can plead, of course, for water
But you can't make them drink

www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Friday, November 21, 2008

Monkey Wrench

MONKEY WRENCH

NEWSWIRE--Astronauts promise to tie down their remaining tool bag so it doesn't float away like one did earlier this week.

They've sent human beings instead of an ape
Since this era of space flight got started,
After reaching conclusions they could not escape:
A tool and its monkey are soon parted.

www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Dawn of a New Error

DAWN OF A NEW ERROR

NEWSWIRE--For security reasons, President-elect Barack Obama will likely have to give up his Blackberry and email privileges when he takes office.

Hacking was a cough unkind,
Virus meant the flu.
Bad memory was in your mind,
And browsers just walked through.
Now, these dual-meaning terms
Can catch (or are) computer germs.

www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Cat Burglar

CAT BURGLAR

NEWSWIRE--A teen was attacked by a cougar when she and her boyfriend broke into a wildlife collector's home.

Being caught in the act left them little to dread;
They'd wake lawyers to dwell in a plea line.
Until one of them woke in a hospital bed
As a caper fed felon to feline.

www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Calling the Kettle Back

CALLING THE KETTLE BACK

NEWSWIRE--The Salvation Army will test taking credit and debit cards along with spare change and bills.

They make cheer of the season and spread it,
Though their bell-ringing's often maligned,
But I fear with acceptance of credit,
They'd start Christmas with my card declined.

www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Monday, November 17, 2008

Reduce, Reuse, Recoil

REDUCE, REUSE, RECOIL

NEWSWIRE--NASA's space shuttle has a new system that purifies urine and other wastewater for drinking.

A second use that follows first
Has my complete assent,
Except a drink to quench my thirst
That comes from where I went.

www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Friday, November 14, 2008

Pregnant Pause

PREGNANT PAUSE

NEWSWIRE--The "pregnant man" who gave birth earlier this year is expecting a second child.

For menfolk, it raises a shiver
Amongst co-worker, client and neighbor,
Each concerned they might have to deliver
On a promise of manual labor.

www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Joyful Noise

JOYFUL NOISE

NEWSWIRE--The government has listed its five top toy hazards for the year.

Let me stress a warning word
About that child-rearing rule:
The only place they're seen, not heard,
Is at the bottom of a pool.

www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Pounded Quarter

POUNDED QUARTER

NEWSWIRE--Despite the challenging financial climate, McDonalds is reporting an 8.2 percent increase in sales.

In troubled times, there's great appeal
For a happy, if unhealthy, meal.
So, many choose the Golden Arches
And overdo their fats and starches.

www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Produce Department

PRODUCE DEPARTMENT

NEWSWIRE--Studies show male infertility rates are on the rise and the quality of an average man's sperm is declining.

For the duties of male, she will hire
And for eggs, she'll defrost her own
As her husband's unable to sire
Due to lack of testosterone.

www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Monday, November 10, 2008

New American Bandstand

NEW AMERICAN BANDSTAND

NEWSWIRE--Digital music player headphones might interfere with heart pacemakers and implantable defibrillators.

EARS: I hear a tune of great romance;
We can move our feet to it.
HEART: Agreed, it has a pretty good dance
But I just can't seem to beat to it.

www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Friday, November 7, 2008

Tenure Loving Care

TENURE LOVING CARE

NEWSWIRE--A newspaper has sued a competitor for allegedly copying and reprinting obituaries.

An old professor, soon deceased,
Offended as his fame increased.
So, his passing's news was cherished
And was published as he perished.

www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Soldiers of Fortune

SOLDIERS OF FORTUNE

NEWSWIRE--The 2008 presidential election was the most expensive in history, with 5.3 (B) billion dollars spent.

It's bundles of money that we have to thank
For the media messages spoken
In amounts that would normally break the bank
Were the banks not already broken.

www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Lines for the Day After Elections

LINES FOR THE DAY AFTER ELECTIONS
By Richard Armour, from Light Armour (1954)

The sun still rises in the east,
The song of skylarks has not ceased,
The mountains stand, the seas are calm,
I hear no detonating bomb.

The banks are open, trains on time,
The morning paper's rich with crime,
A stream of traffic fills the street,
The ground is firm beneath my feet.

No cataclysmic conflagration
As yet has swept our luckless nation.
No sign of doom have I detected,
Although my man was not elected.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

High Speed Chaste

HIGH SPEED CHASTE

NEWSWIRE--Calling it a high-tech chastity belt, feminists are opposed to lingerie fitted with a GPS tracking device.

The garment stalls what's been forbid
While tracking from afar,
To say, "I saw what you undid,
And I know where you are."

www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines

I Saw What You Did (1965)

Monday, November 3, 2008

Time to Kill

TIME TO KILL

NEWSWIRE--For the first time in 42 years, the city of Miami has gone for a month with no reported murders.

The credit collapse from the mortgage subprime
And the stock market drop have been chilling.
But it took a reduction in murderous crime
To prove nobody's making a killing.

www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Friday, October 31, 2008

In Good Standing

IN GOOD STANDING

NEWSWIRE--The Cincinnati Enquirer, in endorsing John McCain, quoted Barack Obama as saying, "A strong government hand is needed to assure that wealth is distributed more equitably." The paper later ran a correction, clarifying that Obama had never said that.

Stand for justice, stand for peace,
Stand for slighted quarter.
Stand to start, to stay, to cease,
Stand in line to order.

Stand for right; stand fast, sincere.
Stand tall; stand cool and collected.
Whatever your stand, stand far from here:
I usually stand corrected.

www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Electoral Dysfunction

ELECTORAL DYSFUNCTION

NEWSWIRE--An error on an absentee ballot promotion in Michigan printed a phone-sex number in place of the campaign line.

Your ballot's been selected,
Your passions will impress,
As you shout that you elected
To vote yes, oh yes, oh yes.

www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Ruffled Feathers

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Placebo Domingo

PLACEBO DOMINGO

NEWSWIRE--Half of doctors routinely prescribe placebos for their effect on patients' psyches.

Though my duties are carefully selected
The result's known before I've begun:
In spite of the progress expected,
My impact is little or none.

www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Letter Rip

LETTER RIP

NEWSWIRE--A new study indicates a person's lot in life might be forecast by their initials.

It's there, between the Thompson twins:
A gap you're sure to notice,
As Harold Oscar's lot begins
In front of Nigel Otis.

Or praise and raise one to the heavens
And let the other fall
As with Albert Charles Evans
And his classmate, Ben A. Dahl

www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Monday, October 27, 2008

Touch Treat

TOUCH TREAT

NEWSWIRE--A new study shows that people who held a cup of hot coffee warmed to a perfect stranger. Holding a cup of iced coffee had the opposite effect.

If your heart might retain
What was warm on your dermis,
Instead of champagne,
I'll be popping a thermos.

www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Friday, October 24, 2008

Color Full

COLOR FULL

NEWSWIRE--New research shows old-fashioned, reusable diapers damage the environment more than disposables.

Green is good when it means "go,"
And good for "could be riper,"
And good to keep pollution low,
But bad inside a diaper.

www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Thursday, October 23, 2008

The Candidate's New Clothes

THE CANDIDATE'S NEW CLOTHES

NEWSWIRE--Since August, The RNC has spent more than $150,000 on clothes and accessories for vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin and her family.

From moose's carcass
To Nieman Marcus,
Went Sarah six-packs
As Sarah picked Saks.

www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Coffee, Tea or B?

COFFEE, TEA or B?

NEWSWIRE--Drinking a lot of coffee reduces the size of women's breasts.

With coffee, a fill-up
That leads to another
Leaves ample in one cup
But less in the other.

www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines