EMPTY CHANNEL
NEWSWIRE--Patients undergoing colonoscopy are now given sixteen days worth of laxative on the day before their procedure.
When Wheel of Fortune's on TV,
I give a groan; my stomach growls.
I loathe Pat Sajak as emcee,
And Vanna White just moves her vowels.
www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Monday, June 15, 2009
He's Got Yours Babe
HE'S GOT YOURS BABE
NEWSWIRE--Chastity Bono, daughter of Sonny and Cher, has announced that she'll undergo a sex change operation.
With her girl's intuition, she took the position
That men had an unfair dominion.
So her team of physicians will craft an addition
To give her a second opinion.
www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines
NEWSWIRE--Chastity Bono, daughter of Sonny and Cher, has announced that she'll undergo a sex change operation.
With her girl's intuition, she took the position
That men had an unfair dominion.
So her team of physicians will craft an addition
To give her a second opinion.
www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Law of the Land
LAW OF THE LAND
NEWSWIRE--Disaster officials fear that scores of empty, foreclosed-upon houses might become hazards during a hurricane.
The boom and bust in Sunbelt spots
Provides a lesson worth espousing:
It's how so many vacant lots
Turned into so much vacant housing.
www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines
NEWSWIRE--Disaster officials fear that scores of empty, foreclosed-upon houses might become hazards during a hurricane.
The boom and bust in Sunbelt spots
Provides a lesson worth espousing:
It's how so many vacant lots
Turned into so much vacant housing.
www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Under the Big Stent
UNDER THE BIG STENT
NEWSWIRE--Virginia officials have filed a lawsuit against Krispy Kreme doughnuts for grease damage to a sewer system.
Both heart doctors and engineers,
Have tried to warn us through the years
Of blockages they knew were coming
As all those doughnuts clog our plumbing.
www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines
NEWSWIRE--Virginia officials have filed a lawsuit against Krispy Kreme doughnuts for grease damage to a sewer system.
Both heart doctors and engineers,
Have tried to warn us through the years
Of blockages they knew were coming
As all those doughnuts clog our plumbing.
www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines
Friday, May 29, 2009
Twice Shy
TWICE SHY
NEWSWIRE--An instructor at the Connecticut Police Academy was arrested for biting a co-worker who had said, "Bite me."
Her choice of phrase could be mistook,
And proved to be the final straw
As someone took it by the book
And bit the wrong arm of the law.
www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines
NEWSWIRE--An instructor at the Connecticut Police Academy was arrested for biting a co-worker who had said, "Bite me."
Her choice of phrase could be mistook,
And proved to be the final straw
As someone took it by the book
And bit the wrong arm of the law.
www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Roses are Red, Toilets are Blew
ROSES ARE RED, TOILETS ARE BLEW
NEWSWIRE--A man severely burned his behind when he exploded a portable toilet by lighting a match to find toilet paper.
He was holding his nose
As his searching began,
Which soon came to a close
With a flash in the can.
www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines
NEWSWIRE--A man severely burned his behind when he exploded a portable toilet by lighting a match to find toilet paper.
He was holding his nose
As his searching began,
Which soon came to a close
With a flash in the can.
www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Prisoner of Love
PRISONER OF LOVE
NEWSWIRE--A female deputy in Florida was fired after a romance with a male inmate.
If bad-boy dates are in your stars,
But your job is to confine them,
You ought to pick up men in bars,
Instead of one behind them.
www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines
NEWSWIRE--A female deputy in Florida was fired after a romance with a male inmate.
If bad-boy dates are in your stars,
But your job is to confine them,
You ought to pick up men in bars,
Instead of one behind them.
www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines
Monday, May 18, 2009
Fountain of Youth
FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH
NEWSWIRE--Two U.S. Park Service employees are accused of urinating into a geyser.
They had to get them off the trail
And send them to the cellar,
For mixing up Old Faithful's tale
With their take on Old Yeller.
www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines
NEWSWIRE--Two U.S. Park Service employees are accused of urinating into a geyser.
They had to get them off the trail
And send them to the cellar,
For mixing up Old Faithful's tale
With their take on Old Yeller.
www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Two More Make Twelve
TWO MORE MAKE TWELVE
NEWSWIRE--Rumors of infidelity plague both adult stars of the reality TV series, Jon and Kate Plus Eight.
Publicity was quid pro quo
For what they'd come to procreate,
But might spinoff a whole new show
If Jon and Kate adulturate.
www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines
NEWSWIRE--Rumors of infidelity plague both adult stars of the reality TV series, Jon and Kate Plus Eight.
Publicity was quid pro quo
For what they'd come to procreate,
But might spinoff a whole new show
If Jon and Kate adulturate.
www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Garden of Eatin'
GARDEN OF EATIN'
NEWSWIRE--The Roman Catholic church is developing a position on genetically modified crops.
The Vatican will codify
The vegetables to modify
Lest Holy Mass begin one day:
Peas be with you; lettuce pray.
www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines
NEWSWIRE--The Roman Catholic church is developing a position on genetically modified crops.
The Vatican will codify
The vegetables to modify
Lest Holy Mass begin one day:
Peas be with you; lettuce pray.
www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines
Monday, May 11, 2009
The Supremes
THE SUPREMES
NEWSWIRE--President Obama is seeking a replacement for retiring Supreme Court Justice David Souter.
If the next one sang the constitution,
Added turn of phrase to pull and thrust us,
Mixed rhyme and meter with some elocution,
We'd have our first poetic justice.
www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines
NEWSWIRE--President Obama is seeking a replacement for retiring Supreme Court Justice David Souter.
If the next one sang the constitution,
Added turn of phrase to pull and thrust us,
Mixed rhyme and meter with some elocution,
We'd have our first poetic justice.
www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines
Friday, May 8, 2009
Goodnight Boone
GOODNIGHT BOONE
NEWSWIRE--A Florida man has been arrested for shooting and killing a wild bear.
Kev'n Doerr shot a b'ar.
Have I not heard this tale bef'ar?
www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines
NEWSWIRE--A Florida man has been arrested for shooting and killing a wild bear.
Kev'n Doerr shot a b'ar.
Have I not heard this tale bef'ar?
www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines
Volt for Me
VOLT FOR ME
NEWSWIRE--A man was arrested for putting an electric dog collar on each of his four children and shocking them with it.
To keep his kids off legal dockets
And out of the electric chairs,
He hooks them all to cords and sockets
To shed some light on current affairs.
www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines
NEWSWIRE--A man was arrested for putting an electric dog collar on each of his four children and shocking them with it.
To keep his kids off legal dockets
And out of the electric chairs,
He hooks them all to cords and sockets
To shed some light on current affairs.
www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
When Life Hands You Le Mans
WHEN LIFE HANDS YOU LE MANS
NEWSWIRE--A bankruptcy judge has approved Chrysler's use of $4.5 billion in U.S. Government loans.
A Bailout went to troubled banks;
Insurers, Rescued, give their thanks.
Now, carmakers, with billions paid
Will see the fruits of Lemon Aid.
www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines
Pontiac Le Mans
NEWSWIRE--A bankruptcy judge has approved Chrysler's use of $4.5 billion in U.S. Government loans.
A Bailout went to troubled banks;
Insurers, Rescued, give their thanks.
Now, carmakers, with billions paid
Will see the fruits of Lemon Aid.
www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines
Pontiac Le Mans
Friday, May 1, 2009
High on the Hog
HIGH ON THE HOG
NEWSWIRE--In deference to pork producers, federal officials are resisting the term "swine flu" and are instead calling the virus by its technical name.
I needed a verse for the flu to refine,
So I sat down, well-meaning, to pen one.
The couplets were easy for hog, sow and swine,
But what rhymes with H1N1?
www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines
NEWSWIRE--In deference to pork producers, federal officials are resisting the term "swine flu" and are instead calling the virus by its technical name.
I needed a verse for the flu to refine,
So I sat down, well-meaning, to pen one.
The couplets were easy for hog, sow and swine,
But what rhymes with H1N1?
www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines
Monday, April 27, 2009
Fatal Attraction
FATAL ATTRACTION
NEWSWIRE--Airplane collisions with birds and other animals have destroyed 28 aircraft since 2000, according to the FAA.
In his use of a horn to discourage the birds,
The pilot had just overlooked
That Canadian Geese lust for honking, not words;
It was thus, that his goose was cooked.
www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines
NEWSWIRE--Airplane collisions with birds and other animals have destroyed 28 aircraft since 2000, according to the FAA.
In his use of a horn to discourage the birds,
The pilot had just overlooked
That Canadian Geese lust for honking, not words;
It was thus, that his goose was cooked.
www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Weight, Weight, Don't Tell Me
WEIGHT, WEIGHT, DON'T TELL ME
NEWSWIRE--The rising number of fat people might contribute to global warming.
To save the air and Mother Earth,
Please mind the measure of your girth:
You're aiding those who desecrate her,
By broadening your own equator.
www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines
NEWSWIRE--The rising number of fat people might contribute to global warming.
To save the air and Mother Earth,
Please mind the measure of your girth:
You're aiding those who desecrate her,
By broadening your own equator.
www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines
Friday, April 17, 2009
Look a Gift Horse in the Mirror
LOOK A GIFT HORSE IN THE MIRROR
NEWSWIRE--A stem-cell technique that's been successful with horses is about to be tested on people.
We humans stand as bipedestrian;
Quadrupeds are mares and foals.
But mix our genes with those equestrian
And get a face like Camilla Bowles'.
www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines
Separated at birth
NEWSWIRE--A stem-cell technique that's been successful with horses is about to be tested on people.
We humans stand as bipedestrian;
Quadrupeds are mares and foals.
But mix our genes with those equestrian
And get a face like Camilla Bowles'.
www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines
Separated at birth
Friday, April 10, 2009
Cups Runneth Over
CUPS RUNNETH OVER
NEWSWIRE--Brassiere makers are selling bras with bigger cup sizes as women find they fit better.
Whether from a doc's augment,
Or gravitational descent,
Supporting ladies' frontal tissue
Was held up as a weighty issue.
It now turns out a bigger letter
Might surround and fit her better.
So, she's no longer bourgeoisie
Who holsters up in double-D.
www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines
NEWSWIRE--Brassiere makers are selling bras with bigger cup sizes as women find they fit better.
Whether from a doc's augment,
Or gravitational descent,
Supporting ladies' frontal tissue
Was held up as a weighty issue.
It now turns out a bigger letter
Might surround and fit her better.
So, she's no longer bourgeoisie
Who holsters up in double-D.
www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Furlough, Furlough, It's Off From Work You Go: A News and Verse Extra
FURLOUGH, FURLOUGH, IT'S OFF FROM WORK YOU GO:
A NEWS AND VERSE EXTRA
A guide to contemporary use
If, furlough = approved (or mandated) time off from work without pay
Then,
halough = Time off for Cherubs and Seraphs
polough = Time off from Ralph Lauren and Palm Beach
blurlough = Time off that goes faster than you though it would
conferlough = Time off from work spent in meetings
curlough = Time away from your dog
prematurelough = Taking time off before it's required
A NEWS AND VERSE EXTRA
A guide to contemporary use
If, furlough = approved (or mandated) time off from work without pay
Then,
halough = Time off for Cherubs and Seraphs
polough = Time off from Ralph Lauren and Palm Beach
blurlough = Time off that goes faster than you though it would
conferlough = Time off from work spent in meetings
curlough = Time away from your dog
prematurelough = Taking time off before it's required
lurelough = Time off for fishing
poorlough = When time off lasts longer than money
bonjourlough = Time off for foreign travel (see also: Kuala Lumpurlough)
poorlough = When time off lasts longer than money
bonjourlough = Time off for foreign travel (see also: Kuala Lumpurlough)
yourlough = When nobody is off except you
maturelough = Time off from age discrimination
immaturelough = Time off from interns
immaturelough = Time off from interns
obscurelough = Trying to hide the extra furlough that shows your income level
securelough = Using time off to get a new job
firlough = Time off from a Christmas tree farm
Venus de Milough = too much time off on your hands
myrrhlough = Time off for the three kings
securelough = Using time off to get a new job
firlough = Time off from a Christmas tree farm
Venus de Milough = too much time off on your hands
myrrhlough = Time off for the three kings
Merlot = The official beverage of time off (see also: Gin fizz, slough)
purrlough = Time off for a veterinarian
Sirlough = Time off for Sidney Portier (see also: Lulu)
spurlough = Time off on a Dude Ranch
chauffeurlough = Time off from driving your kids around
Grandeurlough = Time off from a luxury lifestyle magazine
liqueurlough = Time away from drinks with creme
preferlough = Time off when it suits you
procurelough = Time off from stealing office supplies
Sirlough = Time off for Sidney Portier (see also: Lulu)
spurlough = Time off on a Dude Ranch
chauffeurlough = Time off from driving your kids around
Grandeurlough = Time off from a luxury lifestyle magazine
liqueurlough = Time away from drinks with creme
preferlough = Time off when it suits you
procurelough = Time off from stealing office supplies
recurlough = Time off, again
referlough = Recommending time off for someone else
transferlough = Taking someone else's time off
entrepreneurlough = Using time off to make money
restaurateurlough = Using time off to make food
manurelough = Time off from the B.S. that makes furloughs necessary
www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines
transferlough = Taking someone else's time off
entrepreneurlough = Using time off to make money
restaurateurlough = Using time off to make food
manurelough = Time off from the B.S. that makes furloughs necessary
www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Peasant Under Glass
PEASANT UNDER GLASS
NEWSWIRE--A Russian woman has been arrested for killing a friend and eating part of the corpse.
Eats its humans, I won't follow;
None of my friends could be dined on
As they're just to hard to swallow.
www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines
Monday, March 16, 2009
Bye Bye Birdie
BYE BYE BIRDIE
NEWSWIRE--A woman in Tampa scored a hole-in-one on the first hole of her first-ever round of golf.
A golfer sees some fours and threes,
But ones are rarely struck;
Unless she's short on expertise
And has a stroke of luck.
www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines
NEWSWIRE--A woman in Tampa scored a hole-in-one on the first hole of her first-ever round of golf.
A golfer sees some fours and threes,
But ones are rarely struck;
Unless she's short on expertise
And has a stroke of luck.
www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Hedge Hog
HEDGE HOG
NEWSWIRE--Accused investment scam artist Bernie Madoff is expected to plead guilty today and could face life in prison.
A furlough means you're day'd off
A buyout means you're paid off,
All, better off than Madoff.
www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from headlines
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Wet Blanket
WET BLANKET
NEWSWIRE--A national craft store is refusing to display a quilting magazine with pictures of risque-themed quilts inside.
They say the mag presents a scandal
Quilters ought not have to handle,
Objecting, not to breasts or crotches,
But too-suggestive fabric swatches.
www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines
NEWSWIRE--A national craft store is refusing to display a quilting magazine with pictures of risque-themed quilts inside.
They say the mag presents a scandal
Quilters ought not have to handle,
Objecting, not to breasts or crotches,
But too-suggestive fabric swatches.
www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines
Monday, March 9, 2009
Bare With Me
BARE WITH ME
NEWSWIRE-A tourist who refused to take his clothes off has been blamed for a mini-riot at a nudist colony.
An attendee who wore clothing in their midst,
Caused those without to get their knickers in a twist.
www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines
NEWSWIRE-A tourist who refused to take his clothes off has been blamed for a mini-riot at a nudist colony.
An attendee who wore clothing in their midst,
Caused those without to get their knickers in a twist.
www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Manilow Blow
MANILOW BLOW
NEWSWIRE--A New Zealand mall is using Barry Manilow music to drive away unruly teens.
Old Barry's songs sting like a whip
For those of youthful taste:
The only place where's he's still hip
Is one he's had replaced.
www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines
NEWSWIRE--A New Zealand mall is using Barry Manilow music to drive away unruly teens.
Old Barry's songs sting like a whip
For those of youthful taste:
The only place where's he's still hip
Is one he's had replaced.
www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Hold the Pickles
HOLD THE PICKLES
NEWSWIRE--A fertility clinic claims it can allow parents to select both gender and physical traits in a baby.
Though making babies by request
Is gaining new supporters,
I think they're all just self-impressed
From giving doctors orders.
www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines
NEWSWIRE--A fertility clinic claims it can allow parents to select both gender and physical traits in a baby.
Though making babies by request
Is gaining new supporters,
I think they're all just self-impressed
From giving doctors orders.
www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines
Monday, March 2, 2009
Arms Raise
ARMS RAISE
NEWSWIRE--Physical trainers say women in search of toned physiques have begun asking for the look of Michelle Obama's arms.
Once, an unflappable, beautiful bride,
Fit figure was one of her charms.
Now, waving to mirrors must help her decide
Whether she's right to bare arms.
www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines
NEWSWIRE--Physical trainers say women in search of toned physiques have begun asking for the look of Michelle Obama's arms.
Once, an unflappable, beautiful bride,
Fit figure was one of her charms.
Now, waving to mirrors must help her decide
Whether she's right to bare arms.
www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Vegan Deacon
VEGAN DEACON
NEWSWIRE--New York Times columnist Mark Bittman says he lost weight by "being a vegan until 6:00pm," and then, eating anything he wanted.
He'd eat only plants until six, he would swear,
Then fill up on goose, duck and pigeon.
Apropos treats delayed served to answer his prayer;
Just look how that's worked for religion.
www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines
NEWSWIRE--New York Times columnist Mark Bittman says he lost weight by "being a vegan until 6:00pm," and then, eating anything he wanted.
He'd eat only plants until six, he would swear,
Then fill up on goose, duck and pigeon.
Apropos treats delayed served to answer his prayer;
Just look how that's worked for religion.
www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines
Thursday, February 19, 2009
For Whom the Bowl Tolls
FOR WHOM THE BOWL TOLLS
NEWSWIRE--Australians may soon be charged for each flush of a toilet.
If it's small,
Don't flush at all;
Just wait until
It's worth a bill.
www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines
NEWSWIRE--Australians may soon be charged for each flush of a toilet.
If it's small,
Don't flush at all;
Just wait until
It's worth a bill.
www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Foul Shot
FOUL SHOT
NEWSWIRE--A college basketball star says a coach discriminated against her for being heterosexual.
Coaches sometimes show a flaw
To argue "pretty" or debate "cuter,"
But rarely does one break the law
In ruling out a straight shooter.
www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines
NEWSWIRE--A college basketball star says a coach discriminated against her for being heterosexual.
Coaches sometimes show a flaw
To argue "pretty" or debate "cuter,"
But rarely does one break the law
In ruling out a straight shooter.
www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines
Friday, February 13, 2009
Floral Arguments
FLORAL ARGUMENTS
NEWSWIRE--Although Valentine's Day spending may be lower this year, flower sales might hold their own.
Roses are red,
Violets are less so,
Both are soon dead;
Let's share an espresso.
www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines
NEWSWIRE--Although Valentine's Day spending may be lower this year, flower sales might hold their own.
Roses are red,
Violets are less so,
Both are soon dead;
Let's share an espresso.
www.newsandverse.com
Light verse, ripped from the headlines
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